|
Talking
to children about death
by
Robyn O’Connell
Why is it
that we find it so hard to
talk to our children about
certain
things?
Take sex
for example – you know you
have to do it, and for
some people it is not a
problem at all, for others
we struggle to find the
most suitable way and
opportunity to talk to
them about
it.
Death is
the same; it’s one of
those subjects that we
really don’t want to talk
about ourselves, so how do
we talk to our children
about
it?
Unfortunately
some times we don’t talk
about death until it
happens to someone close
to us, then the pain we
are feeling makes it even
more difficult to answer
the myriad of questions
that children have about
it.
Death is a
part of life, but in this
day and age where the
elderly are in nursing
homes and hospices,
children are not exposed
to it the same way as say
the Europeans are, where
grandparents still live
with the
family.
Europeans,
in fact, have it all over
us Aussies when it comes
to
grieving.
Men openly
cry, kiss and hug each
other, and women wear
black so that even
strangers approaching them
know that someone special
in their lives has
died.
Children
see the person once they
have died and quite often
the body is left in the
house until the funeral
occurs.
In
Australia we sanitize
death to a
point.
We most
often don’t have the
person living at home when
they die, they are usually
in clean sterile places
like
hospitals.
Then the
body is taken to a funeral
director’s where it is
looked after until the
funeral.
If we
arrange it, we have a
viewing but that is at the
funeral home and at a time
that is
pre-arranged!
So is it
any wonder that children
are so protected from
death when we in fact try
to protect
ourselves?
Hopefully
one day parents will be as
comfortable talking about
the issues of death with
their children as they are
about the natural process
of beginning
school.
I believe
the most important element
is to talk about it BEFORE
it
happens.
Then the
child knows what to expect
and only needs to deal
with the emotions
involved.
I did this
with my son by way of a
spider.
I killed
the spider (heartless I
know) and explained to him
that the ‘spirit’ part of
the spider had now left
his body to go to heaven
(a special place that you
cannot come back from) and
that all that remained was
his
‘body’.
We took the
‘body’ and placed it in a
matchbox and buried it in
the
garden.
Explaining
that this is what we do to
person except that there
is more time that elapses
between the death and the
burial to enable people to
travel to their
families.
Depending
on your belief, you can
tell them what you
understand will happen
after someone
dies.
A word of
caution, using phrases
like ‘Grandpa has gone to
heaven’ to children is no
different than Grandpa has
gone to the shops – they
will expect that they will
come
back.
‘Going to
sleep’ is another that can
be frightening for a child
- will they die if they go
to
sleep?
Likewise
beware of saying, ‘Grandpa
was sick and went to
hospital and died’, as the
child stores that
information until a few
years down the track when
they become ill and have
to go to hospital. Then,
those words will come back
to them!
The best
thing that you can do for
your child is to talk
about death using the
words ‘dead’, ‘die’ and
‘dying’.
They are
just words that describe
something.
I know it
can be frightening for us,
but there really is
nothing to be frightened
of as far as death goes,
it is the pain that we
feel in having someone
gone from our lives that
causes us to shy away from
it.
After the
death my daughter, the
most important thing that
was said to me was that
someone only dies if they
die in your heart, the
relationship that you had
with her – you still have
– that will never
die.
It is
important to emphasize
that to your child, that
Grandpa will always be his
grandpa, nothing will ever
change
that.
I know,
with the best intentions,
you want to protect your
children, as parents that
is as natural as the sun
rising each day. But just
as the sun rises, one day
someone we know will
die.
It is
better if children know
the ‘factual’ stuff about
what will happen so that
all of you can deal with
the many emotions you will
be
facing.
Robyn O’Connell
is a funeral celebrant and
owner of Silver
Celebrants
. Robyn has experience as
a grief educator and
running bereavement
workshops. In May 2004,
Robyn published a book
explaining death to children., called What
Happens when you
die?
|
